Kick me

Nah. I'm not into the whole BDSM thing. Never been able to figure that particular little sexual quirk out. I've heard all the explanations...all the reasons. I don't buy most of 'em.

But I digress as I've been known to do.

No, I just need a little kick. Some....oooomph. I'm teetering on the edge and need that little nudge over. Beeeecause....

I'm pretty sure I'm ready to quit smoking.

Now, I know I've said it plenty of times before. But this time is different. I think I'm really ready. Except I'm not.

Ok, the truth is, I'm scared shitless.

No, I'm not scared of "failure". Hell, failure and I are best buds. Ok, that might be a little harsh. Let's just say failure and I are on pretty familiar terms. Just ask any other fat woman how familiar she is with failure. Especially where diets are concerned.

I've never gone into anything with a sense of impending failure. Except diets. In fact, it's been quite the opposite. Most things I've done, I've just jumped blindly into with the feeling that I'll either sink or swim. And most of the time, I swim. Or dogpaddle. But the rare times that I did sink, I've never let it get me down. I've never let it eat at me. I'm just too easygoing and optimistic to let that happen. Or maybe it's just that I'm stupid. Whatever.

So why the hell am I so scared to quit smoking?

I'm really not much into psychoanalyizing myself. I prefer to psychoanalyze others. Less scary. But, if I was a self-psychoanalyzing kinda gal, I'd say that I'm afraid of losing my best friend.

Cigarettes have always been there for me. When things weren't goin so hot, they were there. When things were great, they were there to share it with me. They're a glass of champagne, a handkerchief to cry in, a pain pill, a pal to take a break with.

See, that's another funny thing. Most fat women use food like that. But I don't. I overeat because I loooove food. I love the tastes. I love the textures. I don't snack when I'm stressed...I smoke. I don't eat when I'm feeling down...I smoke. Oh, I overeat...there's no doubt of that. But honestly, there doesn't really seem to be much of a correlation between my feelings and my food intake.

And that brings me to a whole 'nother can of worms. A couple years ago, I started on Atkins. And did well...lost nearly 45 pounds. But gradually, I slipped back into my old habits and put about 20 back on. And I feel it. And I don't like how I feel. I don't care so much about my body image...if I was fat and felt good all the time, I'd be ok with it. I firmly believe that some people are just meant to be overweight. And I'm one of 'em. But I don't feel nearly as good as I did after I lost that 45. So I need to crack the ole diet whip again.

Which brings me to my current state of 'deer frozen in the headlights' mindset.

I'm almost ready to quit smoking. I need to quit. But I also need to lose some weight.

Can I do both? At the same time? Aren't I just asking...begging...for failure...on both fronts if I try to do 'em at the same time? I mean, I'm feeling pretty crappy right now with only 20 of those 45 pounds back on. If I quit smoking, I'm terrified that I'll eat more food as a substitute...and wind up feeling even worse.

So, which is hurting me the most right now? Which problem do I tackle first? Do I quit smoking because I think I'm ready or do I stop eating because I'm feeling lousy?

Like I said. Somebody kick me.