It ain't over 'til the fat lady stops having periods

If you're a man, I'm gonna quote Monty Python here. Ya might oughta wanna pay attention to it. If ya don't...well...consider yourselves warned.

Run away! Run away!

Ok. I'll begin by saying that I've often thought that I'd like to be one of those intelligent, socially-aware, witty, "political" women bloggers who are able to discuss a huge variety of topics in a well-thought-out manner and who gets a gazillion hits a day.

But I'm not. Never will be. I'm not smart OR witty enough.

Nor am I a "Mom" blogger. Though I have several favorites that I absolutely love to read...well...my 'mothering' days are essentially over. I don't have small children or teens at home to blog about but I love to read how others are handling it.

So I'm left with just me and my own little world. Which is ok, I guess. I'm pretty self-centered, anyway.

And what's rocking my own little world this gloomy, rainy March day, you may ask?

Menopause.

(Hey...if men can blog about the gigantic poops they take, complete with detailed descriptions, or their bionic dicks or their recent prostate exams, I can sure as shit blog about menopause, ok?)

Not to worry, though. I have no intention of becoming a 'menopause' blogger (betcha there's a few out there), though it seems like that it's going to be becoming a part of my life soon. At least, I HOPE it's soon. I've been doin the monthly thing for nearly 40 years now...ENOUGH, already!

(Guys, if you haven't left yet, this is your last chance. I'm gonna use words like 'tampon' and 'period' and 'vaginal dryness'. Still gonna stick around? Brave souls, aren'tcha?)

I'd like to find the bitch who made this inane statement:

"Many women discover that menopause gives them a new lease on life — physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. They are enthusiastic about becoming free of their concerns about pregnancy and menstruation."

Yea. I have a new "spiritual lease on life". My ass. What she's not telling is what you hafta go through to get there. It might be ok when you're finally there. But the journey? Lemme tell ya...the journey sucks.

Last month, for the first time in 40 years (except when I was preggers) I skipped a period. Of course, the period before that was...indescribable. I've never had a period like that. Ever. The cramps were so bad that I had to take Vicodin. The flow? Oh. My. Gawd. I went through TWO double boxes of sooper-dooper, extra-large, plug-a-leak-in-a-New-Orleans-levee tampons and I don't know how many gigantic, three-inch-thick sanitary napkins. I hadda use BOTH and I hadda change both every half hour or so. I briefly considered calling the doc, but figured I couldn't get there without stopping somewhere halfway through the trip across town to tend to myself. Gawd.

I thought about just strippin down and sittin in the bathtub and hosin myself off every few minutes. It woulda helped the hot flashes, too. Kill two birds with one stone kinda thing. But I figured I'd just clog up the drain. I won't get any more descriptive than that. You can figure it out.

I know that there are women out there that have stuff like this every month. You poor, poor things. I guess I've been spoiled. Up until the last year or so, my periods have pretty much been as regular as clockwork and entirely manageable. Even with no birth control pills, which I haven't used for years. They've very gradually become irregular, but still...within a few days or so of being 'on schedule'. So this...well, this is just almost intolerable to me. They're becoming totally unpredictable.

I mean...it's not like I don't know it's comin. Menopause, I mean. They say the average age is 51.4. I'm 51.5. I've read lotsa stuff about it. I know that it's sorta...unpredictable. So when I had the "period from hell" in January and then nothing in February, I thought...well...maybe that was like the 'last hurrah', so to speak. The big fireworks finale to my monthly cycle. Quite a fitting way to go, I thought. This might be far easier than I'd thought.

Yea. Right.

I started again yesterday...a week and a half before I should have...with no warning. No PMS. No tender boobs. Not a hint. And though it doesn't seem to be quite as bad as the PFH, it's shaping up to be a doozy, too. Hell, I've been to the bathroom twice already just typing this post.

(Ok, THAT might have been too much information. What the hell? Why hold back, now?)

Oh, and have I mentioned the hot flashes? I've had a few little 'flares' for the last year or so. But in the last couple of months, I've noticed that they're increasingly becoming all-out bonfires. It's the strangest thing. I've always run a little 'hot' anyway, but always attributed it to bein fat. But that kinda heat...well...it sorta came from the outside. This, however...it feels like it's coming from the inside...kinda like when you have a fever...but worse. I wanna rip all my clothes off and run outside.

Hell, I HAVE done that. Thank gawd for a 'semi-private' patio.

I have no problem whatsoever in the realization that my childbearing years are well over. I have no problem whatsoever with the whole 'loss of femininity' thing...I don't believe that not having periods will make me any less of a woman. I don't think I'll have any problem with the whole 'identity' thing, at all.

I was gonna add that I seem to have been lucky enough to have avoided the intense mood swings and the vaginal dryness (and the hits just keep comin, don't they?), so far. But I'm not about to brag about it. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's that I can't depend on anything anymore. I think that's the part that's gonna be the hardest for me. I've always felt like I "knew" my own body...I was attuned to what was going on inside. Now? Not so much.

Everything I've read says that you can't be considered to be truly "in" menopause until you've not had a period for a year.

(screeching like a banshee)I want that new spiritual lease on life and I want it NOW, dammit!

Ok. Maybe THAT was a mood swing.