Blog fodder

Sometimes it ain't a bit funny...but ya just gotta run with it.

From today's edition of the PJStar:

OTTAWA - A Dana man who killed a puppy last summer by slamming it against a tree could be sentenced up to three years in prison.
William Shawback, 55, of 314 Washington St. pleaded guilty Monday in LaSalle County court to aggravated cruelty to animals for killing a pit bull mix puppy July 19, 2005.

Shawback was accused of grabbing the puppy, owned by Robert Stevenson of Dana, by its hind legs and slamming it against a tree, according to prosecutors.

He could receive one to three years in prison and could be barred from owning any companion animals as part of his probation, but State's Attorney Greg Sticka noted the dog wasn't his in the first place.

Sticka said he has a stack of letters about an inch thick from concerned citizens and animal rights groups requesting punishment for Shawback.

Shawback's sentencing hearing is scheduled for April 13.

Don't get me wrong...at first read, I was horrified. People who abuse animals rank right down there at the bottom of my own, personal scale of 'Too Stupid/Mean/Disgusting/Perverted to Live'. At the very least, they should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. At the very most, they should be forced to endure whatever stupid/mean/disgusting/perverted thing they inflicted on someone or someTHING else.
I'm in favor of the ole 'eye for an eye' type of punishment, myself.

(Now, before you go on, read the above paragraph AGAIN. I don't want any PETA-esque hate mail, ok?)

Howevah.....my twisted sense of humor kicked in. Gawd. Sometimes I hate it when that happens. In situations like this, it makes it look like I take stuff like this lightly. Trust me. I don't. Not at all.

Sometimes, though...well...I just can't help myself.

The scenario:

Shawback gets sentenced to the full three years in prison. Someplace like Joliet or Pontiac...no, wait...someplace like Folsom. Or Angola. Attica, maybe. A really bad ass prison. One that houses the very worst of the worst. Mass murderers. Serial murderers. Rapists. Bat-shit crazy, cold-blooded killers.

It's his first day there. He's scared shitless because he's a member of the general poplulation...no special treatment or 'solitary' for him. He's introduced to his cell-mate, Vladimir, who just happens to be a bald, 6'5", 350 pound mass of muscle with a neck like a buffalo and hands the size of dinner plates. Homemade tattoos are scattered on every viewable surface of his skin. His brilliant blue eyes blaze with the fire of insanity.

Vlad, who is of Russian extraction, is serving a life sentence for the especially gruesome decapitation murders of 7 people. Five of the decapitations were carried out with an heirloom scimatar. The other two were done 'au natural'...barehanded...he twisted their heads off.

He once fancied himself the czar, but with intensive "therapy", he's come to the realization that he just likes cutting people's heads off. During the therapy, he also discovered the underlying cause of his particular psychoses. At eight years of age, as punishment for some small transgression, his father killed his puppy.

Now, imagine that first conversation between the two new 'roomies'.

Vlad: "Vat you here for?"

Shawback: "Ah....um....murder."

Vlad: "Who you keeel, Shawback?"

Shawback: "Awww...nobody important."

Vlad: "TELL Vlad who you keeel or Vlad be very unhappy."

Shawback: "Alright, already. I killed somebody's PUPPY, ok? Is THAT what you wanted to hear? The little bastard BIT me so I bashed his damn head in."

Vlad: ..................

Shawback: "Hey! Hey! Don't come any closer! Guard! GUARD!! HELLLLLLPPPPPP! HELLLLL...aaarrrrggghhhhhh!............"

Vlad, barely breathing hard, peers through the bars, Shawback's head dangling from one huge hand.

Vlad: "Vat? Ze bastard DESERVE it. He DESERVE to die! He DESERVE hees soul to burn. Hees soul es now redeemed."

"Es ze Shawback Redemption."