Shit ya never knew ya needed

PESONALIZED FREE!

Last year, I ordered a monogrammed, hot pink suitcase for my granddaughter, Karsin, from

Lillian Vernon

. Kids love stuff with their name on it and the name Karsin is a bit unusual, so I figured she'd like it...and she did.

So now with Christmas right around the corner...yea, like in four fuckin months...guess what appeared in my mailbox yesterday? Uh huh.

A Lillian Vernon Christmas catalog. Just chocked full o' cheap, Taiwan-Bob shit...Christmas decorations, gifts, gadgets and gizmos...most of which can be personalized.

Fer'instance...

Santa's Pants Treat Holders - Use these cute holders for wrapped goodies or little presents. - I dunno about you, but I don't wanna eat anything that comes outa Santa's drawers.

Or...

Silver Plated Wine Stopper - PERSONALIZED FREE! - Keep your wine fresh and the holiday spirit flowing! - Ah, yes...that'll look quite elegant atop my bottle o' Ripple.

Or...

Snowman Bathroom Set - Dress your bath in holiday style with this plush 100% acrylic lid cover and contour rug. - Just don't have too much of the above-mentioned Ripple, forget to lift the lid and piss all over Frosty's face.

Ah, yes...Let your grandchildren know they're loved! Nothin says you love your precious grandchildren like a tightly woven coconut fiber, rot/mildew resistant "Grandchildren Are Welcome" Coco Mat.

And to get those little snot-nosed, curtain climbers' attention? You MUST have a Gold-Plated Solid Brass Coach's Whistle - PERSONALIZED FREE! It even comes with a black plastic protective cover and a 36" lanyard of HAND WOVEN! black nylon.

Did Aunt Gertrude's beloved Fido just kick the bucket and she's too broke to have him stuffed? I have the perfect Christmas gift for her. The "River Rock" Pet Memorial - PERSONALIZED FREE! - A touching way to remember your furry friend...in the garden, favorite flowerbed or inside. Durable polyresin, life-like (as opposed to poor Fido) river rock design with debossed (DE-bossed??) words reading, "Pets Leave Paw Prints On Our Hearts". Awwwwwww....(sniff...sniff)

Does that special laundress on your gift list have an embarrassing lint problem? Might I suggest the Cordless Lint Shaver or maybe the ever-popular Lint Grabbing Balls?

Need a gift that says "I love you, baby...now get me another beer outa the fridge while I'm watchin NASCAR"? The little woman'll love these Mop Slippers. These clever slippers, with dust mops for soles, dust with every step you take! Now she can fetch you your beer and sweep the floor at the same time!

'Course, if Ziggy were to buy me some of those slippers, I'm pretty sure he'd need a Silicone Meat Sling, my personal favorite. It even says you can use it to transfer your meat to a carving board. Uh huh.