Waitin on the call from The Food Network...

...and waitin...and waitin...and waitin...



I love the Barefoot Contessa, aka Ina Garten. I think she's got class and style and most of her recipes are...well...real food. Recipes that I actually feel fairly comfortable tryin. Plus, she's fat. I don't trust no skinny cooks.

However sometimes, she gets just a bit...unreal. (Can you say "Stepford Wife"?)

"I'm going to be out of town tonight, so I need to fix Jeffrey (her bumbling, milk-sop of a husband)something good for dinner. Something that he can just reheat."

So, she makes beef stew...with beef that's been marinated in wine, garlic and bay leaves for several hours...and takes 2-3 hours to cook in the oven. She's also makin him...get this...espresso ice cream.

Making ice cream.

Aaaand, she's makin him homemade cranberry scones for breakfast for the next day.

I mean...c'mooooon. Just who in the hell eats scones for breakfast?

She's spendin all fuckin day preparing supper and breakfast for Joltin' Jeffrey. Otherwise, I suppose, he'd just stand in front of the open refrigerator door, starin whilst pickin his nose and scratchin his balls, lookin for that neon sign that says, "EAT ME!"

Poor Ziggy considers himself lucky if he finds some week-old chicken salad and some dried-up jello in the fridge, fer chrissake.

Make him ice cream? I don't fuckin think so. Not in this lifetime, buddy. Ice cream comes from the store. Ya want ice cream, go buy some.



Now, Paula Deen...she's definitely my kinda cook.

"Now, y'all take a sticka butter and a cuppa aaawl and ya add a cuppa sugar and brang it to a baaawl."

And she says stuff like, "Awww...CRAP!" and she drops shit on the floor and feeds tidbits to her dawg...uh, I mean dog.

And she's pretty chubby, too. I trust her.

Ya don't see her tryin to roast a damn hunka salmon on no hoity-toity cedar plank. And, what's up with that, any damn way? Wouldn't a plain ole pine board do? They're both evergreen trees, ain't they?

I don't think salmon should taste like I just licked a board at the Home Depot.

I don't think salmon should be black and crunchy, either. Like it was when I pulled it off the grill while ago.

I cooked it just a teeeeeny bit too long. (Ya think?)

I dunno. Maybe I'm not cut out for my own show on the Food Network.

Just yet.