Not quite as bad as a sharp stick in the eye...

...but almost.

I decided to buy a new car this morning.

So I did.

I walked into the car place, looked at the first guy I saw and said:

"Are you a salesman?"

Him: "Yes. What can I do for you?"

Me: "I wanna buy a new car."

Him: (smiling) "Oooook."

Me: "I want a sedan. I want white or black. I want economical. I want dependable. I want air, an automatic transmission and a cd player. I don't want a buncha bells and whistles. Oh...and I wanna cup holder."

Him: (laughing).

Me: "And don't bother tryin to sell me somethin I don't want. Just show me a car that has all those things and we'll be friends. Otherwise, you won't be my friend."

I can think of....oh...roughly 674 things I'd rather do than buy a car. I absolutely hate all the bullshit that goes along with it. I hate the dickerin. I hate the back and forth crap. I hate knowing that most car salesmen will tell you absolutely anything to get you to buy a car. I hate the waiting on the financing. I hate that they never give you what Kelley Blue Book says your trade-in is worth. I hate the prices. I hate all the stupid paperwork. I hate the whole damn experience.

And, most of all, I hate the coffee that those places serve. Good gawd! Where the hell do they get their coffee, anyway...Latvia? I don't know what that crap was, but I'm pretty sure Juan Valdez didn't have a damn thing to do with it. His donkey...maybe. It completely and totally reeked. It tasted like it'd been filtered through Kareem Abdul Jabar's sweaty jockstrap.

I've gotta admit, though...Nate, my cutie-pie salesman, made the whole three-hour experience reasonably bearable.

Except for the coffee.

Oh...the car? It doesn't have a buncha bells and whistles. It's economical (34 mpg). It has air, automatic transmission and a cd player. The extended warranty that I also purchased pretty much guarantees that it'll be dependable.

And it has four cup holders.