Men

A simple title for a simple topic.

No, I don't mean 'simple' as in simpleton. Simple as in 'basic'...uncomplicated. I mean that, in my opinion, men are pretty simple to understand. Not nearly as convoluted as women.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but I'm speaking in generalities.

In a roundabout way, I suppose my tv viewing habits are the cause (or to blame, maybe) for part of this particular little treatise. Have you noticed that in most sitcoms, as well as many commercials, men are portrayed as bumbling, fumbling, lazy kings of the remote control? The buffoon that doesn't know how to clean, cook, feed a child, turn on a washing machine or pick up their own clothes. The moron who can't even be trusted to watch their own child, run a simple errand or put a dish in the dishwasher. The oaf who can't even find his own ass with both hands, let alone a woman's G-spot.

Personally, I don't like the way men are portrayed on tv. I'd like to know just exactly why they're portrayed that way...why the general public seems to think it's so funny. I suspect that it's backlash from the whole 'women's lib' thing. We've been portrayed as the ignorant little woman for decades, so now it's their turn.

Yea, well screw that.

I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of buffoons, morons and oafs out there. I've known my share...briefly. I don't wanna know any buffoons, morons or oafs any longer than "briefly". But in general, men aren't any of those things. They're just....men.

They're different than women. They don't think the same way women do. They don't see things the same way women do. They don't react the same way a woman might. And any woman who thinks that she's gonna change the way a man thinks or acts is just plain stupid. We're different, thank gawd. I'd rather work with a half a dozen men than two women, any day. Men don't have ulterior motives. Men don't have agendas. Men don't backstab. (Again, remember I'm speaking in generalities...there are always a few exceptions.)

There are a few observations that I've made and things that I've learned about men in the last 35 years or so that I'd like to share with you. These are just my observations. Feel free to add your own.

Don't ever ask a man "What are you thinking?" unless you're prepared to hear that he's thinking about the car's gas mileage or fixing himself a sandwich or that nagging problem at work or even "nothing". It IS possible that he's not thinking about you. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. He just doesn't think about you every waking minute. Get over it.

If there's some little household chore that you ask him to do, and you happen to be one of those picky-asses about that particular chore, do not expect that it will be done to your standards. It won't. It won't ever be. Change your picky-ass ways or do it yourself.

If you think that a man is gazing you in adoration, he's probably just wondering what it would take to get your clothes off and/or what you look like without 'em. Most men don't 'adore' anything. Except maybe a classic '64 Mustang or a 16 ounce rib-eye.

If your partner doesn't seem to get it in bed, don't expect he'll learn by osmosis. If it works for him and you're not complaining, then it's all good. If you want him to rock your world, ya gotta tell him how. If he still doesn't get it, then it's a lost cause. Some men are naturals, some won't ever be. Either live with it or move on.

If a guy doesn't seem to be 'into' you, he's not. He's not busy at work. He doesn't have a lot on his mind. He's not playing 'hard to get' like women do. He's just not that interested. Nothing you do or say will change it. Believe me, if he's interested, you'll be the first one to know. We're not in grade school anymore, Toto. Move on.

Men can be as stubborn, obstinate and hard-headed as a mule. They've got women beat all to hell in that area. Especially when it comes to health-related matters. Most adhere to the belief that if they ignore it, it'll go away. See a doctor? When they're damn good and ready. Not a minute before.

Men don't like to talk about 'feelings' a lot. Oh, when the relationship is new and things are really hot, he might be content to stay up until 4 in the morning discussing things like feelings and contemplating the absolute wonder of your newly-found love...after the mind-blowing sex, of course. The 'chatty' phase will pass. Then he'll sing you show tunes. Like "76 Trombones". Unless he makes it a point to tell you that his 'feelings' have changed, assume that he still feels the same way. He just doesn't feel the need to share again. And again. And again.

Don't ever expect a man to read your mind...about anything. Unless you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that household appliances...or a set of bowls...are NOT appropriate gifts for your birthday, rest assured you WILL get a set of bowls for your birthday. Belive me. I speak from experience.

Men have larger egos than women do. And they like them stroked...frequently. It's a 'man thing'. You hafta be careful, though. Don't let his ego get too inflated. You'll wake up one day to discover that you've created a monster. It's always good to get a little dig in now and then...a little prick (no pun intended) to the over-inflated ego. Keeps 'em on their toes.

Give him some space if he needs it. Remember the old saying...if you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be. If it doesn't, stalk the damn thing down and stomp the shit out of it. Seriously...most men really don't like to go shopping with you. They hate it, in fact. I figure as long as he doesn't make me sit through six hours of World War II documentaries, I won't make him go shopping with me. Everybody's happy.

Men are gonna ogle other women. Think your's doesn't? Think again. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that he's gonna have an affair. It's like...genetic...for men to look at other women. They're just doing what's natural...what's been programmed into their very molecules. They're supposed to spread their seed far and wide. It was their purpose from the get-go. If ole Johnny Appleseed there opens his sack and starts sowing..well, then you've got a problem. But just looking? Pfffffftttt. It's natural.

Oh, I know...a lotta women would say that they can do anything a man can do. Yea, I can, too. I just happen to love the fact that I don't hafta. I went through a lotta years living with someone who never made me feel completely safe. Completely...complete. I just happen to love the fact that I do now. Could I get along without him? Sure. But I don't want to.

Men are simple and wonderful creatures. It's us women that make 'em complicated.