Monday, July 17, 2006

Driving Miss Daisy

Uh...wait. I probably shoulda titled it "Driving me crazy".

We've done our share of driving on our nation's interstate system. But I'm sure ole Ike didn't have any idea of the caliber of morons that'd be taking advantage of his great idea. He's probably rolling in his grave.

As someone who has thousands of miles of driving experience (much of it on interstates) under her belt, I feel it's my civic duty to offer a little advice. Hey...I must be doing something right on the highways and byways...never had an accident and have only had one moving violation...for speeding...about 30 years ago. (Yea. I'm knockin wood.) So, without further ado:

1. It IS perfectly acceptable to look further ahead on the road than the rear bumper of the car in front of you. In fact, I highly encourage it. If a vehicle somewhere ahead in your lane happens to slam on his brakes, chances are everyone else will, too. If you know this ahead of time, you CAN take your foot off the accelerator, thereby eliminating the need to slam on YOUR brakes so hard that your forehead thwaaacks off the steering wheel.

2. Trust me. You will NOT get to your destination any faster if you are constantly weaving in and out of heavy traffic, jockeying for pole position. You're not in a NASCAR race, Jim-Bob. There's no checkered flag at the end.

3. If you're close enough behind me to see that I really need a hair-color touchup on my dark roots, don't be outraged if I slam on my brakes. I just wanna make sure you're awake. And remember...if you ram me in the ass, it's ALWAYS your fault.

4. Do not pull up beside me, running 85 miles an hour whilst chatting on your cell phone, eating a Slim Jim, checking your makeup in the rearview mirror and weaving in and out of MY lane and NOT expect me to mouth the word "fuckwad" at you.

5. If you even bother to use it in the first place, check your turn signal after you've used it. Unless you really ARE planning on going around the world to the left, that is. We can't read your mind, idjit.

6. Oh, and about those turn signals? That'd be that little lever on the left side of your steering wheel. USE IT. It's just a nice little courtesy to let your fellow travelers know that your 350 pound ass has just spied the exit that leads to a Moto-Mart and you've got a major hardon for a bag'o chips, some Cheezy-Poufs, a dozen Krispy Kremes and a Diet Coke.

7. Semi's have a lower speed limit than cars do and, as a general rule, are expected to pretty much stick to the right-hand lane. That's why the left lane is generally called the 'fast lane'. You WON'T hear any words of praise from me if you drive 50 miles an hour in the fast lane. Asshat.

8. Most cars nowadays come equipped with cruise control. It's a handy-dandy little gadget that ensures traveling at a set rate of speed. A set rate of speed saves gas. It also enables you to get to your destination faster than if you're using your car's accelerator like an antique treadle sewing maching pedal and alternating between 50 and 90 miles an hour. If your car comes equipped with cruise, USE IT, TOO.

9. Another handy little gadget that's found in every car is the rearview mirror. I KNOW your car has one. It comes in awful handy when you're trying to squeeze your penis-extending SUV with the over-sized tars into a space that's only big enough for a Volkswagon. USE IT, Bubba.

10. Please....PLEASE...for the lova gawd. If you're 93 and can no longer see over the steering wheel of your Buick, but can't stand the thought of giving up your independence, pleeeeeeease...stick to the secondary roads and not the interstate. The interstate REALLY won't save you any time because you're only driving 45 miles an hour, any-damn-way. Besides that, if you're on a secondary road and I'M on the interstate...well...that's a good enough reason all unto itself.

11. One final thing. If I'm running 85 miles an hour, in the right-hand lane, DO NOT get your panties in a wad and pass me, then slow down to 70. I swear...I will pass you, force you to stop and kick your ass up between your shoulder blades.
Ok. So I won't do that. But you can bet your ass I'll feel like it. And I'll say a LOTTA really bad words.


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