Thursday, April 24, 2014

The big, black hole of suckage

That would be where I am now. Anybody got a flashlight?

Remember the last word of the last post? "Yippee!" Yea. Not so much.

When I was first diagnosed, I was really pissed for a couple of weeks. Then, I seemed to just get on with it. I accepted the diagnosis and was ready to get the radiation done and over with so I could forget this whole mess. I thought it'd be like....oh...say...having pneumonia. You're sick. You take medicine. You get better/well and you go on with your life.

Then fate or Karma or something stepped in, yanked my chain and said, "Not so fast, there pilgrim."

I'm currently in the midst of a depression. I mean dePRESSion. Nothing like I've ever experienced before. The doc says it's "normal". But he still hasn't explained just why I should be so depressed. This cancer isn't going to kill me. I know that. At least, I'm 90% sure of it, anyway. I have a great support system and good people to talk to. Thankfully, I have excellent insurance, so medical bills aren't a big worry. 
So...what's the deal?

I mean...this is really crappy. I cry at the drop of a hat. I fall asleep easily, but can't stay that way. I wake up 2 or 6 times a night....then I can't turn my brain off. My normally low energy is damn near at a standstill.  I just feel like my life is....banal and useless. I hate it for the Zigster, too. I know this isn't how he imagined our life would go.  I don't (and I don't believe I ever would) consider suicide...but the thought of dying doesn't exactly scare me. It's more like, "Eh...what the hell". I get mad at myself for thinking things like this, then I cry some more.

All the material I've read also says this is normal. But nothing really explains it. In the past,  I'm afraid I haven't had much sympathy for people who say they're depressed. Not anymore. I guess if nothing else, this whole experience has taught me to have a little empathy.

I start radiation Monday. Not looking forward to it....hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Had what they call a "dry run" today. They did everything exactly like they do with a treatment, but just did an xray instead. I don't know. Even though I'm a nurse, I've never worked in oncology, so I have nothing to compare this to, but it sure seems to me that with all the money we've thrown at research, there oughta be a better, more precise way to do this. 
Ah well. So it goes.