Saturday, April 29, 2017

Aaaand it's breaking all over again

It's been a while since my last post. So much has happened. Right now, I feel.....lost. I don't always feel that way. Sometimes, it's good. Sometimes, I laugh and feel pretty much like I always did. Sometimes, I have bad today.

Maybe it's because of all the rain. Allllll dayyyyy loooong it's rained. Torrents. Sheets. A deluge of rain.

While ago, I was playing with the dog on the daybed. And I was talking to her. I do that a lot. I talk to her, she cocks her head and looks at me with those big liquid-brown eyes and I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm saying, even if it's about the weather or about what I'm having for supper....or about her "dad". I swear, she still remembers Dan, even though it's been almost 8 months since he died. I mention "daddy" and she cocks her head and looks at the door like she's listening for his truck to pull in. She did that a few minutes ago...and I lost it, completely.

Sometimes, I feel like I'M waiting for him to pull in. I WANT him to. Even though I KNOW that he's gone....part of his ashes are here and another part are floating somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. But there are times I still forget that. I think he's just at work. Or at the hardware store and will be back in a few minutes. There are times that I can't WAIT to get home to tell him something...and then I remember.

 I want him to see what I've done here with my little cabin. I think he'd love it as much as I do. Maybe more. I still want his approval...I want him to think I've done a good job all by myself. I want him to be proud of me.  I want him to know that I'm ok. Mostly. I just don't feel....whole....anymore. A piece is gone. But people can live without a piece...or two...of themselves. It's survivable. just doesn't feel like it.