Thursday, April 24, 2014

The big, black hole of suckage

That would be where I am now. Anybody got a flashlight?

Remember the last word of the last post? "Yippee!" Yea. Not so much.

When I was first diagnosed, I was really pissed for a couple of weeks. Then, I seemed to just get on with it. I accepted the diagnosis and was ready to get the radiation done and over with so I could forget this whole mess. I thought it'd be like....oh...say...having pneumonia. You're sick. You take medicine. You get better/well and you go on with your life.

Then fate or Karma or something stepped in, yanked my chain and said, "Not so fast, there pilgrim."

I'm currently in the midst of a depression. I mean dePRESSion. Nothing like I've ever experienced before. The doc says it's "normal". But he still hasn't explained just why I should be so depressed. This cancer isn't going to kill me. I know that. At least, I'm 90% sure of it, anyway. I have a great support system and good people to talk to. Thankfully, I have excellent insurance, so medical bills aren't a big worry. 
 
So...what's the deal?

I mean...this is really crappy. I cry at the drop of a hat. I fall asleep easily, but can't stay that way. I wake up 2 or 6 times a night....then I can't turn my brain off. My normally low energy is damn near at a standstill.  I just feel like my life is....banal and useless. I hate it for the Zigster, too. I know this isn't how he imagined our life would go.  I don't (and I don't believe I ever would) consider suicide...but the thought of dying doesn't exactly scare me. It's more like, "Eh...what the hell". I get mad at myself for thinking things like this, then I cry some more.

All the material I've read also says this is normal. But nothing really explains it. In the past,  I'm afraid I haven't had much sympathy for people who say they're depressed. Not anymore. I guess if nothing else, this whole experience has taught me to have a little empathy.

I start radiation Monday. Not looking forward to it....hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Had what they call a "dry run" today. They did everything exactly like they do with a treatment, but just did an xray instead. I don't know. Even though I'm a nurse, I've never worked in oncology, so I have nothing to compare this to, but it sure seems to me that with all the money we've thrown at research, there oughta be a better, more precise way to do this. 
 
Ah well. So it goes.



7 Comments:

At 1:24 PM , Blogger Omnibabe said...

The meds and the treatment mess with your chemistry in more ways than one. If the doc knows you're depressed AND that this is normal, why hasn't he prescribed an antidepressant? Don't wait until it's so horrible you can't stand it. Ask for them now.

Sending lots of prayers and a big hug your way!

 
At 3:22 PM , Blogger pamibe said...

Ah, depression. About every two to three years it hits me, hard. Now I know to just ride it out, but it can be so... big, black holey.

Hope yours lifts soon!

Good luck with the radiation. Looking forward to an excellent report...!

 
At 10:52 AM , Blogger Pammy said...

Leslie, he's offered an antidepressant....I refused the first time. Thought I'd bounce out of it. Didn't. Am asking for one Monday, though. Thanks so much for the prayers and hug!

 
At 10:53 AM , Blogger Pammy said...

Thanks, Pam! I do appreciate all the good thoughts that are coming my way.

 
At 1:46 PM , Blogger JennFromNcp said...

big hugs to you mrs zigster.. your a great woman with a strong will.. hang on to your strength, ask the doc for help and lean on your warriors.. will be praying for you.. hang in there...

 
At 2:45 PM , Blogger Ramble On said...

Just caught up with your posting! Diagnosed with breast CA in October, 1997. Chemo, radiation, 5 years of tamoxifen and I am still around. I hope you have gotten the antidepressants and that you are feeling better. I didn't experience the depression. My worst time came after the radiation was over and the bottom dropped out of my hemoglobin. Spent 5 days in the hospital with that. Procrit was a blessing! Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Sometimes, it is necessary to think, "If my best friend was describing the same feelings as I have, what would I tell them to do?". All my best and many good vibes as you continue the fight! Will be thinking of you.

 
At 4:12 PM , Blogger Pammy said...

Thanks, Ramble....though I don't wish it on ANYone, it's nice to hear about other women's experience with this rotten disease.

 

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