Thursday, March 12, 2009

How to bathe

During normal circumstances:

1. Run bath water or turn on shower to desired temperature.
2. Leisurely bathe, washing and conditioning hair and scrubbing all body parts.
3. Shave pits and legs.

During times of flood when there's no hot water:
(Obviously, showering is out of the question, so it's a bath, whether you like it or not).

1. Run the abnormally cold water (because it's now running through a garden hose from the neighbor's house...which is submerged in 3 feet of ice-cold river water) in the tub so it can come up to room temperature.
2. Wait 2 hours for water to warm up 2 degrees.
3. Put on 3 big pots of water to boil.
4. Add boiling water to still-freezing tub water.
5. Return pots to kitchen, re-fill and heat.
6. Add boiling water to now somewhat-less-cold tub water.
7. Repeat steps 4, 5 & 6.
8. Repeat steps 4, 5 & 6.
9. Repeat step 4, 5 & 6.

Time to bathe!


10. Rummage around medicine cabinet for burn cream for your now-scalded foot.
11. Add more cold water to tub.
12. Wash your hair in now pee-warm water. Hurry.
13. Rinse hair. Rinse hair. Rinse hair. (I have really thick hair). Forget conditioner...the water's coolin fast.
14.Wash the rest of your body in 39 seconds flat in rapidly cooling water.
15. Shaving? Faggadaboudid. The extra body hair will help keep you warm.

So my hair's all snaggly and dried-out left foot is startin to blister...and my legs are startin to make me look like a blonde cousin of Bigfoot...but, by gawd...I'm clean.


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