Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thinking about suicide?

Go green!

Don't stick your head in the gas oven or breathe your car's exhaust. You'll be wasting precious petroleum products, not to mention harming the ozone.

Don't hang yourself using that nylon rope. It's a petroleum product, too.

Don't blow your brains out with that .357. Guns kill people. And besides, all that blood and other organic matter? That's a biohazard!

Don't jump from the 18th floor of that high-rise. Remember? Bodily fluids are a biohazard and might harm the environment.

Overdose? Oh, my...NO! You don't want to put anything in your precious body that might harm you, now do you?

No, if you're considering suicide, you must go green. Ride your bike in the street...on Knoxville, no less...during afternoon rush hour...you imbecilic, khaki-wearin, sprout-suckin yuppie-fuck, you.

With gas prices as high as they are now, I can certainly understand someone riding a bike to work. And I know you die-hard bike riders will screech and scream about the laws that protect your right to ride in the street. But, I'm sorry...those laws need to be changed. Bicycles have no business on busy city streets...at any time...let alone during rush hour.

Those laws might protect your legal rights. But your legal rights won't do you a fuck's worth of good at your funeral, now will they?


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