Saturday, August 16, 2008

How to change the linens on a king-sized bed... 25 easy steps.

1. Shoo Cat #2 from dirty bedspread, remove and toss into washing machine. (The bedspread, I mean.)
2. Remove dirty pillowcases (while Cat #1 and Cat #2 "help") and toss into laundry basket.
3. Shoo Cat #1 from dirty top sheet.
4. Remove dirty top sheet, roll into a ball (with Cat #2 still inside) and toss into laundry basket.
5. Shoo Cat #2 from dirty fitted sheet, roll into a ball (with Cat #1 still inside) and toss into laundry basket.
6. Place each corner of clean fitted sheet over each corner of king-sized mattress.
7. Fish out large lump (Cat #1) from center of bed.
8. Replace corner of clean fitted sheet.
9. Shoo Cat #1 and Cat #2 off clean fitted sheet.
10. Unfold clean flat sheet and spread out over clean fitted sheet.
11. Remove Lump #1...ah...I mean Cat #1...from under clean flat sheet and smooth out.
12. Chase Cat #2 from corner to corner to corner of king-sized bed.
13. Throw pillow at Cat #2.
14. Remove bedspread from washer and toss into dryer.
15. Return to bedroom and pick up pillow.
16. Shoo Cat #1 and Cat #2 off clean top sheet.
17. Place clean pillowcases on pillows, again while Cat #1 and Cat #2 "help".
18. Shoo Cat #1 and Cat #2 off bed.
19. Remove bedspread from dryer and return to bedroom.
20. Shoo Cat #2 off bed.
18. Shoo Cat #1 off dresser.
19. Spread out warm, clean bedspread over king-sized bed.
20. Fish out Lump #2...damn!...I mean, Cat #2...from under warm, clean bedspread.
21. Pull clean bedspread taut over fresh sheets and smooth with hands while Cat #1 chases said hands across bedspread.
22. Shoo Cat #1 and Cat #2 off clean bed.
23. Turn to flip off light switch.
24. Turn back towards clean bed and notice two sets of yellow eyes, glowing in the dark in center of clean bed.
25. Remove cold beer from fridge, open, drink.

I don't know what the hell it is...neither cat sleeps with us. Neither cat spends an inordinate amount of time in our bedroom, other than to look out the window. Neither cat sleeps on our bed when we're not in it.

But just let me walk into the bedroom and try to change the sheets, and they're both glued to that friggin bed.

And speaking of clean sheets, picture this...
You've showered til you're squeaky clean. You've applied your delicious, new body lotion to all your dry parts. You sliiiiiide into a clean, fresh bed, the as-yet unrumpled, soft cotton sheets feel like silk against your skin. Through the open window, a cool, cool breeze wafts in, carrying a lullaby of crickets and tree frogs. Aaahhhhhhhhhhh....

I'm tellin ya...I bet it only took me 2 minutes to fall asleep last night.

'Course, I was worn out...from changin the sheets.


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