What do Ziggy and Clement Moore have in common?

Well...a little more than you might think. Except that I don't think Ziggy'll ever be famous for writing one of the most beloved Christmas poems ever.



T'was A Couple Months Before Christmas

By Ziggy

(With apologies to Clement Moore...and most of the rest of the civilized world.)

T'was a couple months before Christmas and throughout Carriage Hill
Not a creature was stirring, not even Nabeel
The flamingos were hung by the chiminea with care
In hopes that St. Buffett soon would be there

And Zig in his dermis and Pammy in her (BLEEP!)
Had just settled down for a long weekend sleep
When out in the hall there arose such a ruckus
That Ziggy sat up and said, "What the fuck's this?!"

A knock at the door - from the frozen North Pole?
Just to be sure, we checked the peep-hole
Not Jimmy, not Santa, no not in the least
But two little guys from the steamy Mid-East

We opened the door for the little brown man
His problem, it seemed, was a massive divan
He and his pal got it up the first flight
But the turn on the landing turned into a fright

He said, "I am sorry to bother you so
Our new sofa is stuck and we can't make it go
Up the next set of steps, then we still have one more
We have engineering degrees, but our planning is poor."

There they both stood with a hide-a-bed couch
Just the thought of it's weight made my scrotum say, "OUCH!"
It was new, you could tell by the cardboard and plastic
But their efforts to move it were just short of spastic
It was jammed at the turn and hung up on the railing
They were sweating and panting, but their muscles were failing

"We thought if one end was moved into your doorway
The other'd swing 'round and we'd be well gone on our way."
A logical plan, we thought to ourselves
That would work if these guys weren't the size of two elves

Pammy said, "Well ya know, if you'd take off the packing
You'd gain a few inches that, so far, you've been lacking.
You could then make the turn and not be stuck in our foyer."
But the two little fellows just seemed to ignore'er

No matter how jammed or hung up on the rail
They were NOT taking advice from a lowly female
More grunting and straining and pushing and stuff
But the couch didn't move and we'd about had enough

So Zig said, "You know, if you'd take off the packing
You'd gain the few inches that, so far, you've been lacking."
So the packing came off of the stubborn divan
The idea would work fine, it seems, if expressed by a man

Zig got on one end and the elves on the other
He braced his feet and gave a shove on that Mother
Well that's all it took for the couch to break free
As their roommate arrived, and then there were three
Three Mid-Eastern guys, two more flights of stairs
But they're out of our doorway and now it's all theirs

And what about Buffet, well he'll be along
He's bringing Corona and a beachcomber's song
And Mid-Eastern guys who knock on our door
We don't think about them a bit anymore

Flamingos glow softly by our Christmas tree
And bring Key Largo memories for Pammy and me
Our Christmas traditions are slightly offbeat
Flamingos and palm trees and lobsters to eat
Thinking of beaches and not about snow
And don't ask what goes on 'neath our mistletoe

So another year passes and we're doing swell
And to you, dear readers, a joyous Noel!

(You might wanna go

here

and refresh your memory before reading this...ah...epoch. It might make a little more sense. Or not. hehehe)