The call of the wild

It's kinda like an icepick...stabbing in your ear, over and over and over and over and over again.

We have a retarded chipmunk in our backyard. Well, he's either retarded or he's schizo...mentally ill...meshuggina.

For the last several weeks, we've had the distinct pleasure of listening to this little noodge screech and squawk at all times of the day and night. 5 am. 9 am. 2pm. 6pm. Right at this very minute, he's emitting this high-pitched, squealing chirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirp. Sometimes, like now, it only lasts 10 minutes or so. Other times, he goes on for a half hour or more.

It's continuous and unrelenting and shrill. It's obviously a distress call of some kind. Ahhh...but there's the rub.

THERE'S NOTHING FOR THE LITTLE BASTARD TO BE DISTRESSED ABOUT!

We've watched him sit at the corner of the fence and just...screech for the sake of screeching, I guess. I can't imagine that this could be any kind of mating call. I mean, if I were a girl chipmunk, I'd think he was doin an awful lotta braggin and I'd probably hit him in the head with a rock.

He moves well....for a chipmunk, anyway...so he doesn't seem to be in any kind of pain. I've seen him stealing what's left of our cherry tomatoes, so I know he's not hungry. There are no cats prowling around. No giant birds of prey circling the area. No possums. No raccoons. No humans threaten his furry little ass. There's no discernable threat to him, whatsoever...so I assume his terror is imagined.

Maybe he hears little chipmunk voices in his head telling him that all the other chipmunks are out to get him. Who knows what lurks in the minds of chipmunks?

Ziggy's tried chucking green tomatoes at him. That works, but only for a few minutes. As soon as the coast is clear, he's right back at it again. I've tried clapping my hands and hollering "Shut UP!" with pretty much the same effect.

He looks as me as if I were the one who's crazy....then goes right back to his agenda. Whatever the hell that is.

I got up waaaaay too early the other morning, thanks to him. As I staggered out into the living room, Ziggy asked, "Did Youssarian wake you up?" Not being completely awake, I looked at him like he was the crazy one. It took me a minute to get it.

Youssarian.

Perfect.