I AM a good cook, dammit!

I'm not braggin. I'm a good cook. I make one luscious lasagna. I make fantastic fried chicken, scrumptious sausage gravy and biscuits, nectarous noodles and opulent oyster stew. My chili? Captivating. Roast beef? Remarkable. Stir fry? Succulent.

I know how to make a roux. I know just how long to leave my homemade noodles to dry. I know how hot to get the grill (reeeeally HOT) to get that lovely sear on the ribeyes. I know how to cook AND clean an artichoke, a duck, a lobster and a big, ole catfish.

I'm not a fancy cook. I guess you'd call my style 'downhome', though I'm a Yankee. Once in a while, I'll try a new recipe, but I like to experiment with it...tweak it just a bit. And my 'experiments' usually turn out just swell.

So why am I tellin you all this?

Because I CAN'T MAKE A DECENT MEATLOAF TO SAVE MY ASS!

Oh, I've tried. Believe me. I've tried...for YEARS.

I just cannot figure out what the problem is. It's not the taste...they all taste pretty good. It's the texture. It's kinda like....uh....well, think of the texture of your left rear tire on your car if ya tried to chew it. It's kinda like that.

It doesn't matter what recipe I use. It doesn't matter if I even USE a friggin recipe AT ALL. I've tried everything. Adding milk. Adding cream of mushroom soup. Adding a can of mixed veggies. (Ok, I know that sounds strange...but I had it like that at a restaurant once and it was awesome). Cooking it less time. Cooking it MORE time. Adding LESS cracker or breadcrumbs. Adding MORE. Not adding any at ALL. Using one egg instead of two...using three instead of one.

My mom told me once that mixing it too long could make it 'tough'. So I've tried mixing it less...just enough to get all the ingredients combined. Nope.

And, why am I bringing this up at this particular time?

Because, gawd help me...I'm tryin it again tonight.

Why don't I just give up and accept the fact that there's just one thing that I can't cook? It's not like it's something fancy. It's not like it's some fine French cuisine that calls for three dozen unusual ingredients and takes hours and hours to prepare.

It's MEATLOAF, fer chrissakes! A friggin MONKEY could probably master a meatloaf.

Anybody got a monkey I can borrow?