Saturday, April 29, 2017

Aaaand it's breaking all over again

It's been a while since my last post. So much has happened. Right now, I feel.....lost. I don't always feel that way. Sometimes, it's good. Sometimes, I laugh and feel pretty much like I always did. Sometimes, I have bad today.

Maybe it's because of all the rain. Allllll dayyyyy loooong it's rained. Torrents. Sheets. A deluge of rain.

While ago, I was playing with the dog on the daybed. And I was talking to her. I do that a lot. I talk to her, she cocks her head and looks at me with those big liquid-brown eyes and I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm saying, even if it's about the weather or about what I'm having for supper....or about her "dad". I swear, she still remembers Dan, even though it's been almost 8 months since he died. I mention "daddy" and she cocks her head and looks at the door like she's listening for his truck to pull in. She did that a few minutes ago...and I lost it, completely.

Sometimes, I feel like I'M waiting for him to pull in. I WANT him to. Even though I KNOW that he's gone....part of his ashes are here and another part are floating somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. But there are times I still forget that. I think he's just at work. Or at the hardware store and will be back in a few minutes. There are times that I can't WAIT to get home to tell him something...and then I remember.

 I want him to see what I've done here with my little cabin. I think he'd love it as much as I do. Maybe more. I still want his approval...I want him to think I've done a good job all by myself. I want him to be proud of me.  I want him to know that I'm ok. Mostly. I just don't feel....whole....anymore. A piece is gone. But people can live without a piece...or two...of themselves. It's survivable. just doesn't feel like it.


At 6:07 AM , Blogger pamibe said...

I won't write anything pithy or throw a platitude at you. Your pain is real and no one can tell you if or when it will get better. I'm crying, it's so real.
You just have to live through it. Which you know, of course.

Praying for you, Pam.

At 2:19 PM , Anonymous Darlene said...

Oh Pam, wish you were closer so I could come over and hug you. I thought I would retire and we could pal around a lot but then you moved! damn it.. My loss. I hope the sun shines soon so you will feel a little better. Hugs for you and keep talking to the dog, cat or anyone who will listen. Even answer you self if you have to... Dan is always there with you and I know he is very proud of you! Take every day as they come.. get through the tough ones and cherish the good ones!


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