Me MAN...

...me FIX.

So, in

this

post, I told y'all about my POS Chebby. I forgot to add to it's list of transgressions, that the cigarette lighter quit, too. That, however, was no biggie...a buck forty-nine at WalMart fixed it.

A couple days ago, after sweatin my balls off (yes...I used to have balls. They're gone now, though.) due to the lack of AC, and fighting to see over the permanently-stuck-in-the-up-position tilt wheel, I decided that I must have a couple of these highly irritating problems looked at by a professional. (Howzat for a 'run-on' sentence?) Enough was enough.

Now, I need to backtrack just a bit. Before contacting said 'professional', Ziggy had gone out and made an attempt to "fix" the tilt wheel. He...ah...removed...the cover from the bottom of the steering column in an effort to get to the tilt control lever. However, his method of....ah....removal...consisted of...well...let's just say that no torque wrench was handily available and he 'made-do', ok? The steering column cover is now in three parts. Instead of one.

What the hell. Compared to everything else, no problem, though the thought did cross my mind that if I ever got stopped by the local gendarmes, I'm sure that the missing steering column cover would be a bit of a red flag. Ok, so it's highly unlikely that a fat, sweaty grandma would be some kinda car heist queen, ya never know, do ya?

I have no desire to try to explain how the whole male/female dynamic concerning "fixing" things works to some 12 year old gung-ho policeman. Let him find out for himself.

So, I called the dealership (aahahahahhaa....I typed dealershit first), and spoke to an extremely nice service guy. I went into the whole litany of problems (but skipping the part about the broken steering column cover...hey...a little super glue and no one ever need know, right?), ending with the story about the tilt wheel.

"...and the other day, my tilt wheel got stuck," I began.

He immediately cut me off with, "In the 'up' position, right?"

Uh huh. It seems that that's been a problem with this particular model, too.

"We can sure look at it, but try something first. Pull the little adjustment lever back and give the wheel a big YANK".

I explained that I had tried to "yank" on it, but wasn't sure how much yanking should be done. I mean...it's like the thing that steers your car, man. I could picture myself, sitting in the sweltering heat of the car, giving the wheel a big yank and the whole steering wheel coming off in my hands. I'm thinkin that little problem might cost a bit more than a buck forty-nine to fix.

"Oh, you're not gonna hurt it", he assured me. "For some reason, it just gets jammed up there and ya gotta yank hard."

Um. Ok.

So, we go ahead and set up an appointment to have the AC checked out AND the tilt wheel if my yanking prowess wasn't up to par. Later that evening, when Ziggy got home from work, I explained my conversation with the service guy and he, being of much stronger yanking ability than I (he's a man, after all...men are quite familiar with yanking...but I digress), said he'd go out in the morning and give it the ole college try.

I get up the next morning, drag my ass to the kitchen to get coffee, sit down at the table and look at Ziggy.

He looked at me like a puppy who'd just pooped on the carpet and said, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

Now, whenever I'm queried in such a manner, I always opt for the bad news first. I figure that I'll get the bad part over with and the good part will cheer me up. Kinda like a kid gettin a sucker after a shot at the doc's office, ya know?

After replying that I wanted the bad, first, he very gently set before me, in a manner befitting a precious object, the little, broken stub of the tilt lever.

I looked at the lever. I looked at him.

"Uh...the service guy said yank on the wheel...not the lever", I said.

He quickly explained that male yanking is different than female yanking, in that when males yank it's in a more...ambidextrous...way. Sometimes yanking requires a two-handed method. I suppose it's all related to the old 'if one is good, two is better' thing.

"So...uh...what's the good news?"

"Your tilt wheel works now. All you gotta do is stick your finger in the little hole and pull forward and the wheel will tilt."

I looked at the lever. I looked at him.

"I can fix it. I can put the cover back on with some tape and we have some industrial-strength super glue at work that I bet'll fix the lever part."

After pondering this solution for a moment, I decided that him pouring industrial-strength super glue into my steering column to fix the lever, probably wasn't a good idea. I've always found that driving a car is much nicer when you can actually steer it. Going straight forward or straight backward is nice, but ya get to see a lot more of the country if ya can do other things like....oh....like turn corners and stuff.

"No, baby. It's fine the way it is. It's no big deal. It's ok. Really, it'll be fine. It's no problem. Thank you so much for fixing it."