I'm not askin for much...just a lousy five or six inches

Don't be ridiculous. If I was gonna talk about sex, I'd ask for more than a measley five inches now, wouldn't I?

Noooo, I'm talkin about inches...as in taller. I think 5'7 would be a perfectly lovely height to be. Unfortunately, I highly doubt that I'm gonna grow six more inches...upwards, anyway. Yea. I'm 'vertically challenged'.

And nothing...nothing...has highlighted that fact more than today's fashions. I have a love/hate relationship with today's fashions. I love the looks of them. They're mostly very feminine-looking. Flowy, filmy peasant shirts. Swishy 'gypsy' skirts. Lots of lace and ruffles and flowers. Very romantic looking.

However, I'm just NOT your filmy, lacy, ruffly, wispy, romantic kinda gal.

Gauchos. They're so hot, hot, HOT right now. Good gawd. If I were to put on a pair of gauchos, I could probably pass for...oh...I dunno....4'1"...MAYBE. They'd make my already short, stubby legs look like they were a foot long. I might be wrong, but I don't think the achondroplasic dwarfism look is ME.

Get a clue, designers...every American woman is NOT 5'7", nor do we all weigh 112 pounds.

The gypsy skirts? Same thing. I look like a dumpy, dowdy Russian peasant woman. Add one of those really wide, low-slung belts that are supposed to lie at just about the pubic bone level and you've made a fashion statement. MY fashion statement, however, would say that I'm evidently wealthy enough to buy TWO of those great belts and hook 'em together, just so they'll fit around my fat ass.

And speaking of 'peasants', how about those gorgeous peasant shirts? Yea. How about those heavy-duty, extra-support bra straps that have a way of creeping out from under the wide, scooping necklines.

Yea, baby. THAT'S sexy.

Halter dresses and tops? Uh huh. Riiiiight. Think about those beautiful halter dresses and tops. Those lovely, bare shoulders and back. Now, think again about those heavy-duty bra straps.

Kinda ruins the effect, doncha think?

Go braless? Gimme a break. The only way I could possibly go braless in a shirt like that is if I had an engineer rig up some kinda invisible....scaffolding...for those puppies. I've already tried duct tape and no... I don't wanna talk about it.

Those low-slung, sexy jeans that show the teeniest glimpse of flat belly? Uh huh. I bought a pair or two. I hafta keep pullin 'em up because they feel like they're falling down. Which, in turn, makes 'em sorta....uncomfortable (in a nice way, though) in the crotchal region. Nope. The 'plumber's butt-crack' look just isn't ME, either.

And the shoes. Oh, don't EVEN get me started on the shoes. Wedgies. Espadrilles. PUMPS? Ever wonder why they call 'em 'pumps'? It's because when you're feet are jammed and crammed in a pair, you can feel the blood throbbing and PUMPING in your feet.

They're either pointy enough to put someone's eye out with a well-placed kick or they're high enough to ensure a nice, clean break. I'm sorry, but my feet are NOT two inches wide nor do they come to a sharp point at the toes. My feet also do NOT have an arch the size of the one in St. Louis. They just don't BEND at angles like that.

I have APE feet, ok? They might be small (size 7), but they're damn near as wide as they are long. They look like little paddles at the ends of my legs.

And yea...I can pick up things off the floor with my toes.

Nope. Though I love the looks of 'em, today's fashions just AREN'T for me. Come to think of it, they're really not for any OTHER woman I know, either.

'Course, I don't know many 5'7", 112 pound women who have perfect, perky breasts, tiny waists, extradordinarily low butt cracks and two inch wide feet.