Wednesday, September 13, 2006

"The Chairman of the Department of Common Sense"

As you might've read, I'm in the midst of a job-hunt. The problem has been that I've not been sure of what I want to do. Nothin like tryin to switch professions in mid-stream, so to speak.

But I believe that I've finally found a good "fit".

I wanna be a "researcher".

  • Dave's
  • post reminded me that there must be an awful lotta people out there with big, fancy offices and very important titles that do all these "common sense" studies.

    Hey...I want a big, fancy office and an important title, too. I wouldn't mind gettin paid...and paid very well...for having common sense. It surely must be a rare commodity, right? I mean, it's gotta be. It seems that so few people are blessed with it.

    Besides that, I could do the work in a helluva lot less time than it takes these buffoons to figure out that caffeine keeps you awake or that happy people live longer or that, as Dave pointed out, high school dropouts make less money.

    Hell, I coulda told 'em that stuff a loooong time ago.

    In fact, I've already got the answers to most of the studies that are being done, will be done or are in the process of being thought about being done.

    1. Too much of anything isn't good for you. Except sex.

    2. If it hurts, stop doing it. If it doesn't hurt, it's probably ok. If it makes you feel too good, it's iffy...could go either way.

    3. Just because it tastes good doesn't mean it's good for you. In fact, most of the time, just the opposite is true. Take antifreeze, for instance. Uh...NO, I DO NOT MEAN TAKE ANTIFREEZE! I'm using it as as example.

    4. If you keep poking food in your mouth and don't exercise, you'll get fat.

    5. A hot bubblebath, six or eight good orgasms and/or a solid half-hour of laughing will make almost anything feel better.

    6. If it makes you feel sick/sad/depressed/morose/suicidal, STOP doing it. Immediately.

    7. Coffee keeps you awake. Those "relaxation" CD's will put you to sleep. If you don't drink coffee before listening to them.

    8. Do NOT listen to any CD's that have the words "relaxation" or "soothing" or "nature sounds" anywhere in the title while driving on the interstate. No matter how much coffee you drink.

    9. If it's sharp, it DOES have the potential to injure you. You really don't need all those warnings to know that a running garbage disposal will take a couple of fingers you? Same goes for things that are hot, heavy, uses bullets or generates electricity.

    10. Mean people suck. Period.

    11. There's nothing more terrifying than a "reformed" or "fundamentalist" anything.

    12. Accept yourself. You're the only "you" you'll ever have. Be nice to it.

    13. No amount of face lifts, lip "plumping", fake tits or botox can make a 70 year old woman look 40. Ever. I don't care what your plastic surgeon says.

    14. Movie stars or supermodels are not "real" people and should not be emulated, worshipped or stalked. Except for Matthew McConaughey.

    15. It doesn't matter how rich, beautiful, powerful, important or influentual someone is. If they're mean, they still suck. And remember...they still have to wipe their own butts...just like you.

    I'm sure I could think of at least a dozen more. But, you see, I'm a very important person. I'm the Chairman of the Department of Common Sense and I have some very important work to do.

    Besides that, I'm sure you're getting as bored with this as I am.


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