Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I can't drive 55

However, I've managed to live that long.

Today marks the fifty-fifth year of my existence.

Jeeezus holy gawd. Half a five years. Fifty five years. That's just plain obscene.

Whilst pondering the obscenity of being fifty-five years old, I've discovered...and wondered about...a few things. I thought I'd share 'em with those of you that haven't reached this dubious...milestone...yet.

I'll now be eligible for many "senior" discounts. Damn straight. After payin full price for everything for 55 years, I deserve a fuckin discount.

I'm gonna start dressing like an old floozy. Because I can. Hey...I'm 55. Who the hell cares what I look like?

At 16, I thought a 55 year old was like...really, really old. At 55, I've discovered that it's not as old as I thought in some ways...and waaaaaay older than I thought in others.

Have you noticed that vitamins for "seniors" are gray? Why the hell is that? Kids vitamins are all colors of the rainbow. Vitamins for "adults" are usually a nice, bright red or a cheery orange. Us seniors get gray. What? Do the vitamin manufacturers think we're all color blind by this time? Do they think us old farts don't care about the color of our vitamins? What the hell's up with that, anyway? Personally, I'd like my vitamins to be hot pink. Or maybe lime green.

I've come to realize that I'll never be beautiful. I'll never be thin. I'll never be tall. I'll never be stinking rich. But it's perfectly ok. I like the person that I've become.

When my mother was 55, I was 16 years old. I'm so glad I'm not raising a 16 year old. One of us would have to die.

One of life's biggest cruelties is that when your body ages, your mind doesn't. Your mind still thinks you're 22. You body tells you, in no uncertain terms, that there's no way in hell you're 22 anymore.

At 55, I've accomplished the one goal that I've always said that I wanted for my life. To be happy.

I want to live long enough to become a crochety, cantankerous, pain-in-the-ass...but happy...old woman. Who dresses like a floozy.

What the hell's a floozy, anyway?


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