Monday, April 10, 2006

Um. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Via Wil at
  • The Daily Snooze
  • , this fascinating little
  • tidbit
  • .

    Forget the lip injections and the breast implants; the hottest place for stars to get shot up with collagen this year is ... the G spot. That elusive female pleasure point - whose very existence was the subject of medical debate for years, and continues to confound many a well-intentioned man - is the pet project of Dr. David Matlock, Beverly Hills OB-GYN, laser surgeon and passionate defender of a woman's right to orgasms.
    Lots of them...

    I have soooo many thoughts about this. All just soooo wrong, of course.

    How about the Angelina "Llama Lips" Jolie angle? Think about it. Maybe they could start offering package deals. Lips AND G-spot. (Separate needles, of course) Hey...they could even call the combo-procedure the "An-G-Lina".

    I understand that they're starting to use your own fat instead of collagen for lips, though. I dunno. The idea of sucking fat outa your ass and injecting it in your G-spot makes me kinda...hinky. Come to think of it, I'm not too crazy about the idea of wearing one's ass-fat planted in the middle of one's face, either.

    Then there's the thought of being sexually aroused for four months at a time. Four hours, maybe. Four months. Uh uh. Your partner'd be a dead man. It'd be like biting the hand that feeds you. Yea, I know. The whole idea is that you don't have to have a partner. Screw that. (no pun intended) I can read a book by myself. For this, I want a partner, dammit.

    When men suffer from priapism...abnormally loooong erections (you thought I was gonna say somethin else, didn'tcha?)...four hours or more...they hafta go get an injection directly INTO the penis to get rid of the pesky little critter. I've seen it. And it's painful. (The erection AND the injection) But women are gettin injections to create essentially the same state...only ten times longer.
    Go figure.

    And I's the G-spot, fer gawd's sake. What are ya supposed to do? Wear Depends for four months? Can you imagine? Say you're at the grocery store. Say ya just happen to sneeze or do something that tightens the ole pubococcygeal muscles, thereby squeeeeezing the collagen-inflated G-spot.

    "Clean up on aisle three!"

    And, the whole idea of a needle comin anywhere near my...precioussss parts just...well, just NO, ok? Not unless it's a matter of life and death...and I don't mean la petite morte, either. Unless it's somethin that's gonna kill me, ya ain't puttin a needle there.


    "...passionate defender of a woman's right to orgasms", my ass. I've got my own "defender" right here at home. And he doesn't cost me 1800 bucks a pop (no pun intended...again).

    (No, honey....I'm NOT gonna start payin ya.)


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